Article 2: Delivered from the New Age God’s Rescue of My Heart and My Marriage

I want to talk to you about rebelling against God in the context of marriage, but first I’m going to share the story of a huge step away from rebellion that happened a few days after I cried out to God for help in my marriage. You can find the broader marriage story in the previous podcast episode.

Waking Up to “More Than This Body”

Let’s start here: you have an extraordinary experience where you realize there is more to you than just this physical body. It points you toward the idea that there’s more to life than what you can see and touch. For some people, that shows up in a spiritual experience—a vision, a dream, something that feels bigger than normal life.

For me, the first memorable moment like that happened in my first year of college. I had a dream where glass was breaking all around me. It felt intense and negative, but at the same time I had this deep sense of peace. The very next day, my friends and I were driving to go snowboarding. We hit ice, slid off the road, and rolled the vehicle. I heard and felt glass shattering all around me, and that same peace from the dream was suddenly there. I just knew we would be okay. And we were with only minor injuries. Experiences like that can be powerful, but they can also be dangerous if they’re not pointed in the right direction.

A Vision of Jesus and a Subtle Shift

Fast-forward to another moment. I had gone to an expo, and afterward there was an event where a group talked about a man who helped a lot of people heal. At the end, they asked everyone to close their eyes while they played classical music. As the music played, I had an intense vision of standing in front of Jesus. The love I felt in that moment was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was beyond words. It was so overwhelming that I cried through the whole song.

This is the part of the story where I wish I could say, “After that vision of Jesus, I dropped all my strange spiritual interests and followed Him wholeheartedly.” But that’s not what happened. I actually came out of that experience thinking two things: “Wow, Jesus loves me more than I could ever imagine” (that was true) and “How do I feel that way again?” (that was where I went wrong). I started aiming for the feeling, not the Source of that feeling.

It would be another decade before I truly surrendered my life to Him. And even then, surrender doesn’t mean you suddenly start doing everything right or magically stop struggling. At that time, I just couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened. I knew, from Sunday school, that “Jesus loves me,” but my understanding of that love was stunted. I was focused on myself, the world, my own ideas, and I wasn’t following Him or growing in wisdom. Looking back, I think I also came away from that experience thinking I was somehow special or “extra spiritual” because I could perceive something like that. The truth is, it had very little to do with me and everything to do with Jesus.

Pride, Rebellion, and Spiritual Vulnerability

The Bible warns us about this kind of pride and rebellion, and about what will happen in these times. In 1 Timothy 4:1 it says: “Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons.”

That’s exactly what happened to me. I never woke up and said, “I’m going to follow demons today.” I didn’t consciously seek anything dark. But when you’re exploring the spiritual realm without wearing the armor of God, you’re in dangerous territory. When you’re not grounded in truth, not actively seeking to be right with God, rarely praying, lacking peace, and your faith feels…weak. You’re vulnerable. You are, at the end of the day, just a human, disconnected from the Source of strength and power over unseen forces.

Crying Out for Rescue in My Living Room

Fast-forward again about a decade. I’m in my living room, crying out to God to be saved. If you listened to the previous episode, you already know the challenge my husband and I went through in our marriage and what the turning point looked like for us. The next layer of that story is what happened after that turning point: the ways I had been rebelling against God started to come into focus. It was like God slowly turned the lights on in rooms I didn’t even know were dark.

The first big area He revealed was my marriage. A few days later, He started exposing my spiritual seeking. I began to see that I’d been searching in all the wrong places.

Laying Down the New Age

So I stopped. I stopped everything: pulling cards, talking to other people’s deceased loved ones, “reading” people, paying attention to special numbers, all of it. Some of that might sound strange if you’ve never been around New Age practices, but for those of you who have, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I took all of it and laid it down at His feet. I never did another card pull, another reading, nothing. I had developed a healthy fear of the God who created everything and who is all-powerful. And when I put it all down, something shifted. I felt clearer, lighter, more free. I was delivered, and I was determined to be a better wife and to listen to God.

I praise Him. God had already saved our marriage, and then He delivered me from something I didn’t even realize I needed deliverance from. My understanding of where I was going wrong was just beginning. I had, and still have, a lot to learn, but that was the turning point where He started reorienting my heart away from the experience itself and back toward Him.

The Ongoing Journey of Not Rebelling

The journey of not rebelling against God is hard, and I am still on it. I don’t have it all figured out. I still stumble, still learn, and still need His grace every day. But my hope in sharing these experiences is that you can avoid some of the pitfalls and dangers that come with spiritual pride, New Age seeking, and trying to guide yourself without Him.

My prayer is that you’ll be drawn not just to spiritual “experiences,” but to Jesus Himself. And that as you follow Him, you’ll grow into a humble wife who honors God and her husband in her marriage.

Article 3: When the Honeymoon Phase Fades: How to Handle Anger and Hurt God’s Way

When the Honeymoon Phase Ends

In the first episode, I shared how I turned back toward God and dedicated my learning and efforts to being a better wife. After that shift, we had about five months that felt like a renewed honeymoon phase. I loved putting into action this new focus on serving my husband, and things were going really well.

But then it happened.

I do not even remember exactly what it was. It was some kind of miscommunication, something he said, did, or did not do. Whatever it was, it left me feeling angry, hurt, and distant.

When Bliss Crashes Into Reality

So, what did I do? I stirred the emotional soup.

What should I have done? Well, that depends. Maybe it was something small, and my love should have covered the wrong. Maybe I should have realized that it was something I did or did not do. Possibly, I should have communicated my emotions to my husband in a respectful way instead of letting them simmer.

We can be quick to anger, quick to play the victim, slow to take responsibility, afraid of confrontation, and not great at communicating well or respectfully. The list that comes with pride goes on.

Instead of aiming at the issue together, people divide and fight each other. But if you are indeed “one,” that is like hitting yourself in the head. Remember, “two shall become one”? In a way, when we fight our spouse, we are fighting ourselves.

It is foolish, is it not? Yet we do it over and over again in marriage. I believe the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So yes, foolish and crazy.

What Is Underneath Anger?

So now we are struggling with anger. But most likely, there is more underneath, because you have things stuck in your nervous system.

Hear me when I say this, ladies. Often, when we are angry with our spouse, we are actually scared and/or hurt. We may be dealing with unprocessed history that is causing warning bells to go off and old chemicals associated with those emotions to course through our blood.

Our heart rate and breathing quicken. There may be a slight tightness in the neck or chest. Then we either blurt out words and ramble excessively, or we lock it all up inside and let those same words run the ship in our minds.

So, what do we do with that?

Stop the Blame Game

First, we stop the blame game.

I have said these words myself, and I have heard them from many wives: “Me? What about what he needs to do?!” The reality is, we are hypocrites. A hypocrite is a person who claims or appears to have certain moral, religious, or ethical beliefs, but behaves in a way that contradicts those beliefs, especially pretending to be better or different than they truly are.

I know you are most likely a hypocrite because you are like me, a human grappling with pride. But here is the truth: “There is none righteous, no, not one.”

Before we go thinking things like, “It’s all his fault,” “If only he would…,” or “He’s this, he’s that,” we need to remember that scripture. We are not pure and righteous, which is why Jesus died to redeem us, and we are called to forgive seventy times seven.

Focus on Your Own Heart

I realize what we all need is better communication skills. Does he need better communication too? I am sure he does. But we only have control over ourselves, not him.

And here is the cool thing. Those who “remove the plank from their own eye… then will see clearly to remove the speck from their brother’s eye.”

What does this really mean for us as wives? It means we deal with our own sins and our own “stuff” first. As we grow in self-control and become calmer inside, we are better able to help him. That may look like being a steady, peaceful presence, or being able to respectfully communicate our feelings and needs.

Pray for Self-Control

So, back to “how.” We quit making excuses, and we pray for self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit.

In this way, we do not suddenly stop feeling anger, but we do overcome the old sin-nature style of anger. We choose to forsake wrath, avoid stirring up strife, and resist being hot-tempered, taking our own revenge, or becoming bitter.

Instead, as the fruit of self-control grows in us, we become slower to anger, more able to give gentle answers, more willing to ponder how to respond, and more likely to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

We also start processing the past. I understand that you may be battling those chemicals coursing through your blood and hijacking your nervous system. You may feel stuck in the same cycle over and over again.

God can do miracles, and you can also make the choice to work with someone who can help you process past hurts in a healthy way.

Express Feelings, Not Accusations

Finally, we express our feelings, and the sooner, the better, in an appropriate time and place. Ideally, not right before bed. Trust me, that usually does not go well.

With the Spirit’s self-control, we express what we are feeling, not what we think he thinks, feels, or is doing to us. We keep the focus on our emotions and experience rather than judging his motives.

Also, do not get stuck endlessly ruminating about whether your thoughts or feelings are “right” or “wrong.” If you tend to get stuck there, I suggest pre-framing what you are about to say with something like, “I don’t know whether I am thinking about this correctly or not, but here’s what I’m dealing with.”

Remember, you are one. You are on the same team.

So, to recap, we find ourselves angry. We pray for self-control and allow it to grow in us over time. Then we express something like, “I don’t know whether I’m thinking about this situation correctly, but I feel angry, sad, hurt when…” and then explain the situation.

We do not know how he will react, but at least we have created a calmer atmosphere, which is less likely to make the disagreement worse. Most likely, it will not even come as a surprise to him because he knows you so well and can see that you are not your usual self.

Yes, he may react in his own old sin-nature style of anger. But as the fruit of self-control, and the peace that goes along with it, grow in us, we will be less affected by it or, for some of us, less afraid of confrontation.

A Practical Exercise

A good exercise to do on your own is to ponder what you would have needed in the situation that upset you. This can really help during a discussion with your partner, especially if he asks what would have helped you or if it was a simple misunderstanding.

Sometimes, in that pondering, I have realized that what I really needed was to process past hurts or experiences that were being triggered by what he did or said, or by how he said it.

Growth Takes Time

For me, all of this took about three years. I was more the silent, stewing-in-my-head type, trying to figure things out on my own. Often, my husband had to say, “What is wrong?” before I would start sharing my emotions.

Over time, I have learned to move through these steps more quickly. The Lord, through His Holy Spirit, has done some fantastic work in me. I have greater self-control and more peace when dealing with those age-old angry, hurt, but scared feelings.

It is my hope and prayer that what I shared here is eye-opening and convicting, yet freeing, and that it shortens the length of strife when you are dealing with the emotions that accompany the challenges in your marriage.

Article 4: The Slippery Slope: How Drifting from God Affected My Marriage and Led Me Back to His Design

Where It Began

In this episode, I am sharing how I slipped farther and farther into rebellion against God, how that affected my marriage, and how following His will for our lives in our role as wives can bring us closer to Him.

To understand how I slipped, we need to start at the beginning. I was born in rural Saskatchewan and grew up on a grain farm between two small towns east of Saskatoon. I am the oldest of three siblings. My dad worked on the farm with his brother and uncles, while the wives supported with meals and children, and some worked part-time outside the home.

I grew up in a Catholic community where we prayed the Our Father every morning in elementary school. Everyone in my grade was baptized, did Communion, and Confirmation. I remember going to church with my grade during school.

Jesus was very much around me growing up, but somewhere along the way, He became less important. Church was something you went to, learned a little, and then enjoyed brunch afterward, which, to be honest, as a kid, was my favourite part. We did not really discuss the people and stories we learned about on Sunday at home.

Looking back, I can see that my family and extended family lived out a lot of Christian values, which I am thankful for. The connection between those values and our faith was never really discussed. We had a Bible, and it had a special place inside the china cabinet. We never really read it.

I do not think my story is too out of the ordinary. I think a lot of people my age can relate to this. I think it was just where we were at as a family and a community.

The Initial Slip

Slowly but surely, the things of the world became more important. Friends, sports, boys, parties, grades, then work, career, and so on. In university, I learned a lot of new ideas, some that supported Christian values and some that did not.

Then, after meeting many young men and dating some more seriously than others, I met my southern cowboy, Ted.

He was not like anyone I had ever met before. We met at a bar when I was 18, three weeks shy of 19. Yes, I had a fake ID because we could get away with that back in those days. This bar is no longer there. It was the Patricia Hotel, or, to some, known as The Pat.

This meeting was like no other. We met through mutual friends, but it was like no one else was there but the two of us having fun together like a couple of kids. We two-stepped, had an ice fight, and laughed. I gave him my number, and he never called me.

The following weekend, we were at The Pat again, and he was there. We chatted briefly and then went our separate ways. I thought, well, there is nothing there. But about an hour later, he found me and asked me to dance when a two-stepping song came on. We were pretty much inseparable from that evening on. I respected him greatly, and he made me smile and laugh like no one else I had ever known.

We had similar upbringings in faithful rural communities and families. We had both moved away from our focus on God toward worldly things, but we both knew we were better together.

We had our wrestling, though. Wrestling with each other, but more importantly, wrestling with God. We would fight about what I was learning at university. Cowboy ideals and university doctrine do not necessarily mix well. As I progressed through school, I became more rebellious in my thinking and, therefore, in submission.

Slipping Further Away

I turned my attention to myself and making myself better through personal growth and development. Then I slipped into New Age, which is that much more self-focused and idolatrous.

Looking back now, I can see the inner battle between serving and submitting and being focused on myself. I am thankful for Jesus’ and my husband’s patience with me, and for God’s grace and mercy through it all. Yes, there was much in me that God would have to shovel out with the help of the Holy Spirit.

Then one night, through prayer and the grace of God amid trial and turmoil, God turned me around. You can listen to that story in episode 1.

By this point in our lives, we had two young daughters and a baby boy. Months later, we all went back to church. I wanted to go, and Ted was no stranger to church, so he supported this. Around this time, we also started reading books by Jordan Peterson, who was doing his own wrestling with God. Like him or not, his books provided us with some truths we had left behind and needed to find and apply again in our marriage and in our life.

The Climb Back

The more I learned and was convicted, the more ashamed I felt of the mistakes I had made. Unfortunately for me, I started in the Old Testament rather than the New Testament. I would not suggest it. Honestly, I thought I was going to hell. I had not yet read about why Jesus came.

I remember one evening crying out to God, saying, “I’m sorry for this, and this, and this, and this.” I am thankful that I was blessed by God with His grace and mercy. Yet, I had many layers of shame and regret to work through in the years to come.

The more the Holy Spirit revealed to me, the more I realized the wrong I had done. I could also see all the wrongs I continued to do that I did not want to do, like being unkind. This all brought me to a deeper understanding of the incredible need for Jesus and the necessary battle through the sacrifice of His life to save ours on the cross.

Now, prayer, reading His Word, and applying them to life are hugely important to me because of where I have been. I have lived the slow slippery slope of being “with vanity in my mind, having my understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through ignorance…” (Ephesians 4:17–19).

I understand there is a battle with forces beyond us and that the “adversary… is a roaring lion, walk[ing] about, seeking whom he may devour” (1 Peter 5:8). I am not going back there again.

I have both a healthy fear of what the Lord can do and a deepening love for all three persons in one: God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. This love drives me forward in my marriage and in life in general, with a desire to do His will as He sees fit.

The Calling of a Wife

So, what is His will for us wives? How do we move away from the slippery slope and climb with our eyes fixed on Him?

In the earlier stages of turning back toward God, I thought His will for my life was going to be big in a worldly sense, like shouting “Jesus!” from the rooftops. But as I have developed and learned about my role, I realize I am to be what God built me to be: a wife, a help meet, and a supporter.

The calling on my life is big. Not worldly big, maybe, but hugely important in His eyes, which, at the end of it all, is all that matters. It is to fulfill what He created me to do.

The “what” is shared in Genesis. God said it is not right for a man to be alone; therefore, He made woman for the man. This is reiterated in 1 Corinthians 11:9: “neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

I know what some of you may be thinking: whoa, whoa, whoa, what about me? Exactly. This is about you and how hugely important you are to your husband’s success in God’s eyes.

You are the “good thing” in Proverbs 18:22 that says, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtaineth favour from the Lord.” You and I are uniquely special. He made us specifically to suit our husbands perfectly, to help them, to support them, and to follow them.

We have a divine mission from God. You will not lose yourself if you decide to fulfill your role. You will find yourself. You will cease to ask the question, “What is my purpose? Why am I here?”

Choosing Faith Over Fear

Will it be easy? No. Why? Because we are far from perfect human beings, and your husband is no different. You did not marry Mr. Right, and he is not Jesus.

It is a scary thing to follow a man who, at times, may be fumbling around and breaking things in the dark. He has done many things wrong. Why should you submit and follow?

This is where faith is needed. Can you trust the One who is guiding your husband? Can you believe that God can guide him? Can you have faith in God even while watching your husband make the mistakes you think he makes? Can you put down your fear, pride, frustration, and disapproval long enough to pray for him?

I ask these questions because I had to answer them.

I understand that accepting this mission from God is a scary thing. At least it was for me. It did not happen overnight, and I still struggle with fear and rebellion when the going gets tough.

However, when I stopped fighting and rebelling against God’s plan for my life and just kept surrendering, He brought me into the wisdom and understanding of the incredible mission of a wife. This surrendering brought me unexpected benefits: joy, contentment, and a peace like no other.

And lo and behold, this has been the story of many other women. I understand that for many, the journey of surrendering to your role as wife and helper is a process. So, I ask that you keep an open mind to God’s will in your marriage.

Who better to trust with your marriage than the One who created you and is perfect?

Article 5: The Smile I Lost– How Humility Brought It Back

Where Did My Smile Go?

I lost my genuine smile somewhere between wedding vows and where we are today. Somewhere along the way, I traded playful joy for a critical, anxious spirit that quietly pushed my husband away. In this episode, I get real about how pride and control drained the life out of my marriage, and how choosing humility and a merry heart with God brought that smile back.

I am sure that, from time to time, my husband wondered where my beautiful smile went. When I met my husband, I was fun and full of playful smiles and giggles. Slowly, I became less of his buddy at times and more like an anxious mother with a critical spirit.

Over time, I smiled less in my relationship with my husband. Did I have reasons to frown or be critical? Yeah, I am sure that at times I did. But that critical nature did not do him or me any good. It did not make him do any better. It drove him farther away, and I felt worse and worse as I stoked the fire of anger and bitterness, with sadness and fear underneath it all.

Choosing Love When It Is Hard

What should I have done? I should have sacrificed all of these feelings and my pride to serve the Lord by doing what He built me to do. God did not say that if your husband loves you like he loves his own body, then honour him like he is Christ. There is no “if, then” in that scripture.

I can choose love regardless of how my husband is behaving. That is my choice to make. Is it a hard choice? Yes, absolutely it is. Jesus never showed or said it would be easy to love thy enemies. Not that your husband is your enemy, but feelings get in the way, and sometimes it may feel like he is.

God makes it clear what He wants all of us to do. Choosing love kills ego, stubbornness, and pride in the process. It turns out that this choice is better for me, my husband, and everyone around me.

A Merry Heart

Proverbs 17:22 states: “A merry heart doth good like a medicine.” This makes it pretty clear, ladies: a merry heart heals. It is good for your health.

Research shows that smiles are associated with more favourable physiology during acute stress, faster stress recovery, and lower illness over time (Cross et al., 2023). Another study found that participants who smiled during stressful tasks had faster heart-rate recovery and the lowest heart rates (Kraft & Pressman, 2012).

And it can be good for his health, too. Research with male students found that, during a stressful social-evaluation task, seeing an evaluator’s warm, encouraging smile was associated with lower stress responses, with cortisol returning to baseline within 30 minutes (Martin et al., 2018). Those who did not receive this encouraging smile from their evaluators did not return to baseline and had significantly higher levels of cortisol.

So, that frown and critical nature are doing no good. They are counterproductive, and they can hurt both ourselves and our husbands.

The full verse, Proverbs 17:22, states: “A merry heart doth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones.” Do you feel like you have low vitality, weakness, or a sense of being drained or lifeless? Your choices to cultivate negative thoughts, bitterness, and the like, rather than love regardless of how another is behaving, may have a lot to do with it.

Please learn from my mistakes and realize there is power in your smile and your merry heart, and that you choose whether to use it or not.

Humility Makes Room for God

Now, I am not asking you to just fake it. Well, maybe fake it to start, but I want to help you come to it honestly.

You see, God sees you. He sees your suffering. Nothing goes unnoticed. Matthew 10:29–31 states: “Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

But what He needs is your humility. He can do nothing in your pride and self-protection. You see, “God resists the proud, and giveth grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5). Not some of the time, but all of the time. If you choose to be humble, He says, “…He (God) dwells with him who has a contrite and humble spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble” (Isaiah 57:15).

It is challenging to let down our wall of protection and have faith that God sees us and will help us in our humble and contrite state. In that vulnerability, we let go and say, “I can’t do this without You, God. I need You and Your will to be done in me.” In that, we let go of pride, stubbornness, anger, fear, and the like.

Examining Our Own Hearts

These emotions can lead us astray. Proverbs 28:26 states: “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, But whoever walks wisely will be delivered.” I know I have been led astray by my inner impulses and feelings. That is for sure.

I am sure, if you are like me, you have gotten too emotional about what your husband has or has not done. Maybe he is overly focused on work, lazy, does not spend enough time with you and the kids, watches his phone too much, eats or drinks too much, swears, or talks too much or too little. Some of this is sinful, carnal behaviour; some of it is simply our own opinion.

But how do those wrongdoings stack up against our disobedience in not honouring and submitting to God’s design through Christ, and to your husband? This critical spirit and the outpouring of it onto our husband are disobedience to God. No king is going to take well to that level of disobedience and rebellion.

There are many scriptures in the Bible that illustrate God’s design of authority and how all believers should submit to that authority regardless of whether they are right or wrong. Romans 13:1 explains, “all authority comes from God”. If we are rebelling against anyone who has authority over us, namely, for the purpose of this discussion, our husbands, then we are against God and His design.

There is much wisdom in realizing that God does not make exceptions for us just because our husbands are not doing their part correctly. God set up the dynamic of husbands love your wives and wives submit to husbands knowing that no one is righteous, not one. The truth is, his wrongdoing, the thing I may be hyper-focused on, probably fails in comparison to my own disobedience against God.

Taking Thoughts Captive

This piece of wisdom was a huge blow to me, and I hope it does the same to you. I did not think of my anxiousness, control, and critical spirit as disobedience and rebellion. When I came to understand that this way of being was working against God and His design, the fear of the Lord fell on me.

This good fear is from the Lord, and it brings wisdom. It results in change, humility, and a dedication to doing His will over our own.

The battle to change my mind was on. I was up against 40,000 daily thoughts, the evil one, and the self-righteous worldview. But I placed the Lord’s flag on this battlefield. I knew this is what He wanted for me, as it is written in the Word: “If God be for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31.

What this looked like, and still looks like, on a practical front is that I take every thought I catch captive. Every time I catch thoughts of rebellion, I say “The Lord’s Prayer,” Jesus’ prayer He taught to the disciples, recorded in Matthew 6:9–13. The rebellious thoughts are slayed over and over again. It is time-consuming and tiring, but what battle is not?

Letting the Smile Return

So, what does this all have to do with the merry heart and the smile?

We need conviction to break down the walls of pride. From a contrite and humble spirit, the Lord can save us from ourselves and evil. Evil is plucked out over and over again, and in its place, a beautiful garden can be sown.

It is by this desire to do His will over our own that the fruits of the Spirit, peace, joy, love, kindness, and more, are grown within us. All of these fruits can bring us back to that merry heart, which shows up as an authentic smile.

This smile is a shimmering gold jewel in the centre of you, making you more of a virtuous woman, which pleases the Lord. And “a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband [rather than] rottenness in his bones” (Proverbs 12:4).

Article 6: The Source of Lasting Joy: Finding Lasting Peace Through Faith, Obedience, and Love

One of my clients says, “I am just not happy.” Another says, “Joy seems to be just out of my reach.” In this episode, I am going to talk about joy: where to find it and how to keep it.

Joy eluded me in my earlier years too. I kept searching and searching, but to no avail. I was one of those women Paul describes in 2 Timothy 3:7: “Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.”

That is the thing with New Age spirituality. There is always another doctrine, another modality, another thing to try. But for me, it became a never ending pit of information that left me unsure of any truth. It also seemed like I could only be calm if I did something to make myself feel calm. There was no overflowing sense of joy and peace growing organically within me.

Joy Is Not Happiness

Joy does not mean happiness. When researchers look at happiness, they are often looking at either an in the moment experience of pleasure or an overall sense of life satisfaction, meaning, and purpose. Joy, on the other hand, is a deep, abiding sense of gladness and well being rooted in one’s relationship with God, rather than in changing circumstances.

Happiness is often about the self and how satisfied we feel. Joy, however, is fruit borne through us by the Spirit, the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22 tells us that the fruit of the Spirit is “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,” and more. So, joy is present because the Holy Spirit is present.

The Holy Spirit can come to you and me when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour. Jesus makes this connection between Him and us very clear. He tells us to abide in Him. To abide means to remain, endure, and obey. He says:

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me… I am the vine, ye are the branches.”
John 15:4–5

I am not a horticulturist, but I am a simple woman who observes nature, and I know branches alone cannot bear fruit. Branches alone die.

Jesus goes on to explain that if we do not stay connected to Him, we will bear no fruit. Therefore, we will not bear joy. Joy is something we get to bear when God fills us with joy and peace through the Holy Spirit.

Now, that may have seemed like a lot, and I do not fully understand it all myself. But we do not need to understand it fully in order to experience the joy of the Holy Spirit.

How Do We Receive Joy?

So, what creates the right conditions for us to be filled with joy and, therefore, also the Holy Spirit?

Romans 15:13 makes it clear. Paul says:

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.”

How does He fill us with joy and peace? Through believing.

It is not through the works we do. It is through believing.

Okay, so what are we believing in?

We are believing in Jesus: that He is God’s only Son; that He suffered, died, and rose from the dead three days later; and that He is now seated at the right hand of the Father.

It is Jesus and all He did that allows us, as believers, to have eternal life after our time on earth. It is also through Him that we receive the Holy Spirit and, therefore, joy and all the other fruits of the Spirit that grow in us simply through believing in Him.

Now, close your eyes and sit with that truth for a moment.

If it strikes a chord with you and you think, I want to believe in Jesus too, pray to God to open your mind and heart to Jesus. The beautiful thing, ladies, is that if you are saying, “Yes, that is what I want,” He has been with you this whole time, calling you back to Himself. And He will not stop fighting for your heart.

You are loved more by Jesus than you can ever imagine. He died so that you could live forever with Him.

Take some time. Open a Bible. Learn more about who Jesus really is.

Now that you are feeling incredibly loved, let’s move on to what this has to do with being a wife.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

Here is where the rubber meets the road, ladies.

Jesus said, “If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love” (John 15:10).

If that was not clear enough, He says it very plainly a few verses later: “If ye love me, keep my commandments” (John 14:15).

About a year ago, I thought I was doing well. I was attending church and reading my Bible. Then I came across this Scripture:

“And the wife see that she reverence her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33

I had read that Scripture before, but that day, it struck a different chord in me.

What does reverence really mean? I thought.

So, I looked it up. Reverence means deep respect, honour, and esteem shown toward someone. It can include an attitude of admiration.

I could suddenly see the many disapproving thoughts I had had about my husband, and I realized I was not living out this Scripture.

The truth is, I had become somewhat legalistic in my faith: checking boxes, being rigid, and not having much fun. I definitely was not admiring the glory of God in my husband. At times, I was downright mean in my own mind when I was disapproving of him. This was all not of God.

The fear of the Lord fell upon me, and I realized that if I truly loved Jesus, I would keep His commandments.

Oh boy, I had gotten my mind stuck in a non joyful, unthankful, judgmental place.

I knew what I was up against: habitual negative thoughts, the evil one, and a societal “boss babe” worldview. So, what was a girl to do?

I hit my knees, repented, and prayed for help, knowing I could not do this on my own.

What did I pray?

Something along the lines of: “Forgive me, Lord, for all the ways in which I have sinned toward my husband. God, I need Your help to turn this around. I want to abide in You, and You in me. Cleanse me and help me follow Your Word.”

From there, I started taking thoughts captive, slaying each one that did not align with His Word.

And do you know what came out of that?

Remember when I talked a few episodes ago about the honeymoon phase that came when I first began applying Scripture to my marriage? It was exactly like that, but this time, it stuck.

The first time, my prayer was not truly, “Thy will be done,” while believing in the Lord. Instead, it came from an anxious place of fearing my husband would leave me.

A godly fear is much deeper. It is a good and helpful fear of being separated from God. It is about your soul. That packed a little more punch and made it stick for this gal.

My focus became fixed on my husband and how I could provide for him. My mind changed, and my actions followed.

The Joy of Serving

I started to serve, like really serve. I began anticipating his needs and wants, smiling, and being more pleasant overall. I took, and still take, great pleasure in serving because I know that is how my Lord and Saviour, Jesus, led.

Now, I have not washed my husband’s feet, but I have massaged them!

Serving in this way became fun and exciting. It actually felt like when we were dating. This change brought a surprising sense of joy and peace within me.

Over time, I became more aware of how longsuffering God had been with me and how He had not allowed this marriage to sink. I was also in awe of how quickly things began to change for the better.

As I progressed, more areas where I had been sinning by not honouring my husband came to light. With that awareness came an incredible thankfulness and humbleness toward God.

As all of this unfolded, my husband’s demeanour toward me changed as I changed. The more I looked for ways to serve him, the more he seemed to trust me. There were many more opportunities for him to engage with me in a positive way, and he seemed to serve me as well.

God has done wonderful things in both of us. We are more joy filled than we have ever been. Are we done? No, far from it, which is exciting. Will the old thoughts try to make comebacks? Yes, they do.

We are in a battle, right? No one said this would be easy. But when we remain connected to Jesus, repent, and keep choosing obedience, He gives us the strength to keep moving forward.

Closing Prayer

Thank you so much for listening, friends.

If you want to learn more about the practical tools I use for battling thoughts and applying Scripture in everyday life, listen to the previous episode, “The Smile I Lost.”

My prayer for you is that you would stop searching for joy in all the places that cannot sustain it and begin abiding in the One who can. May God fill you and your marriage with joy as you believe in Him.

Article 7: Who Wants to Be a Wise Wife? Wisdom, Understanding, and God’s Design for Marriage

The Fear of the Lord Is the Beginning of Wisdom

The other day, a friend and I were talking about doing chores when we were younger. There was no way something on the chore list was going to be left undone before Mom got home. My friend said, “She put the fear of God in us!”

She meant it jokingly, of course. But because we feared the consequences, we learned to behave, respect authority, get our chores done, and learn how to take care of a home. Those are all good things.

In this article, I want to talk about wisdom, fear, and how they relate to marriage. Just like the chores, ladies, you may not like this at first, but it is good for us.

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7

Wisdom Is the Principal Thing

Who wants wisdom?

In the Bible, it says that wisdom is the principal thing. That sounds really important, doesn’t it? If wisdom is the principal thing, that implies there is nothing more important to get first. It is at the top of the list.

Where does wisdom come from? In the book of Job, God makes it clear that He alone understands wisdom.

How do we get it? Proverbs 8:13, Psalm 111:10, Proverbs 9:10, and Proverbs 1:7 all make it clear that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

So, how do we get wisdom? To start with, we fear the Lord.

Now, most people want to soften this. They say it is not so much fear, but love and respect. I understand that love and respect are part of our relationship with God. However, I think we can soften something that is true, everlasting, and very serious.

From my own lived experience, I personally do not see the fear of the Lord as something we should dismiss.

Taking God Seriously

Here is why: God is perfect. He will not turn a blind eye to sin. He must act righteously and justly.

Therefore, if He tells us that wives are to live a certain way in marriage and we do not, God is not going to simply turn the other cheek because our husband is being difficult.

I can think of—and have experienced—some natural consequences of not following what God wants for us. But I do not know what I do not know, and I would rather not find out by continuing to disobey God or by deliberately choosing not to obey Him.

God is extremely and unimaginably loving, patient, and enduring, beyond what any human being is, but He will not compromise.

There are likely three groups of listeners reading this right now. Some may be saying, “That is Old Testament stuff. My God is a loving God. I am not supposed to fear Him.” To that, I would say: read Acts 9:31, 2 Corinthians 7:1, 1 Peter 1:17, 1 Peter 2:17, Hebrews 12:28, and Revelation 14:7. These are all New Testament verses.

Some of you may be thinking, “This is interesting. I want to learn more.” There may also be another group that feels very fearful right now.

For those of you who are fearful in a way that makes you want to run from or hide from God, I pray against the spirit of fear in the name of Jesus. God did not give us the spirit of fear, but rather a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.

God does not reject you or me.

The fear of the Lord is a healthy fear that causes us to take God very seriously, hate sin, love His Son and His people, desire holiness, worship Him, receive His Son and His grace, and look to the Holy Spirit for comfort.

Wisdom and Understanding

Let’s look again at our guiding Scripture: “Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7).

We have explored wisdom. Now, let’s explore understanding.

With all that getting of wisdom, it should not simply exist as words on a page. It should be understood and responded to rightly in life through our thoughts and actions.

Have you ever read something in the Bible and then turned around and did the complete opposite? Maybe you disrespected your parents. Maybe you disrespected your husband. Maybe you wanted what your friend had.

Oh my, the list goes on and on. My hand has gone up over and over again.

We have all been there.

We may have read it in the Book, but we did not take that wisdom into understanding. In other words, we did not apply it to our thoughts and actions.

This dynamic between wisdom and understanding is made clear in Job 28:28: “Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.”

There is an action word in that verse: depart. Leave. Go away from. Depart from what? Evil.

What is evil? That becomes clearer when we begin to fear the Lord, accept His grace, desire to learn from Him, and follow the teachings Jesus gave us. As we begin to learn what God sees as right, what is wrong or evil becomes clearer.

God’s Design for Wives

But this is an article for wives, so let’s begin with what God says about our role.

First and foremost, we are to submit to and follow Christ. Titus 2:4–5 teaches women to love their husbands and children, to be sober-minded, discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, and obedient to their own husbands, so that the word of God is not blasphemed.

There is a lot to unpack there, and our world does not promote many of these things. We will come back to them in later articles and take a deeper look at each one.

Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Submission means yielding yourself to, recognizing, or cooperating with legitimate authority. It does not mean that we have no voice or cannot make decisions. It does not mean that you must agree with every opinion your husband has, nor does it mean you must endure abuse. You do not lose who you are.

It is about your wonderful role as a helpmeet in the divine order God has in place. You are to respect your husband in that role, and he is to submit himself to Christ, love you, and care for you. If both husband and wife do that, it can create a heavenly marriage.

Faithfulness in Marriage

But we are where we are, and our ancestors were Adam and Eve. Adam was irresponsible. He did not use his authority to stand up and speak against evil in the garden. Eve took a leadership role, was deceived, and did not discuss that potentially humanity-altering decision with Adam.

We are all fallen creatures, which is why we need Jesus, who saved and redeemed us. We also have work to do with the Holy Spirit, who is transforming us.

Unfortunately, we can get into places where we do not have faith in God’s design for marriage. This can look like having no hope, expecting the other person to make changes, and waiting for them to do better.

What we need to do is have faith in God and follow His design. This results in us doing our role faithfully, and often there are positive effects on the marriage as a whole. Even if there are not, at the end of the day, God is pleased with your obedience, and that is what matters most of all.

We are focused on doing what is right, not because our husbands deserve it. We do what is right because we honour God.

When we choose to honour and respect God through our words and actions, our husbands benefit greatly. Not because they necessarily deserve it, but because we are choosing to obey God.

Hmm. That sounds a little like the relationship between Christ and His believers. I think we are on the right track.

Is It Worth It?

Is this hard to do? Yes.

He is being grumpy, short, or bossy, and you choose to be kind. Yes, that is hard. But it is what God asks of you.

Your reward is God’s pleasure in you and the fruit of the Spirit: strength, endurance, peace, kindness, and maybe even joy.

Is it worth it?

Yes. Absolutely.

I couldn’t retrieve the newsletter page to verify its exact formatting, but I’ve kept this very close to your wording and shaped it into a readable, warm article format with clear headings.

Article 8: What Type of Man Are You With? Is he Mr. Command, Mr. Visionary, or Mr. Steady

In Created to Be His Help Meet, Debbie Pearl describes three types of men: Mr. Command Man, Mr. Visionary, and Mr. Steady. While most men may have qualities from all three types, Pearl explains that they will often be dominant in one area.

Pearl writes:

“By the time a woman gets married, she has developed a composite image of what her husband ought to be like. The men she has known and the characters in books and movies provide each woman with a concept of the perfect man.” (p. 75)

Men are far from perfect because they are fallen sons of Adam. Knowing this, a woman might question why she would ever want to get involved with one. Yet God made us to be a helpmeet to our husbands and to “desire thy husband.” Our very physiology is designed to seek connection with these fellows.

So, we find ourselves joined to a man in marriage and given the role of submitting to and revering him, mirroring the great mystery between Christ and His Church. To do this well, it is helpful to understand what type of man we are married to.

Pearl states that “wisdom is knowing what you ‘bought,’ so to speak, when you married that man, and learning to adapt to him as he is, not as you want him to be” (p. 76).

Early in my marriage, I would compare my husband to my dad. That was really unfair because they are two completely different types of men. It took me a while to realize that one type was not wrong and the other type was not right. They were simply different.

Because man is made in God’s image, men can express different aspects of the divine nature. Pearl shares that men are usually a little bit of all three types, but they tend to be dominant in one. Let’s take a look at these types.

Mr. Command Man

God is dominant. He is an all-powerful God. According to Pearl, this smaller group of men are born leaders who can command good men to help accomplish big jobs. Often, they do more than their fair share of the work. As a result, they expect a great deal from their wives and want things done a certain way. For better or worse, it is in their nature to control.

This type of man wants his wife to keep pace with the projects and plans he is focused on. Command men tend to have less tolerance and do not yield easily. On the surface, he may seem to have less gentleness, and he is often not open with his personal feelings.

Pearl says that she is married to a command man and that it is important to “earn [your] place in his heart by proving that [you] will stand by [your] man, faithful, loyal, and obedient. When [you] have won his confidence, he will treasure [you] to the extreme.”

Pearl also writes:

“A woman married to a command man wears a heavier yoke than most women, but it can be a very rewarding yoke. In a way, her walk as his helpmeet is easier because there is never any possibility of her being in control. There are no gray areas; she always knows exactly what is required of her; therefore, she has a calm sense of safety and rest.” (p. 78)

Command men are like kings, and they need a devoted and admiring queen to share their successes with. She can become his closest—and sometimes only—confidant.

However, a command man who has gone in a harmful direction may become physically abusive toward his family. In cases of abuse, it is important to seek safety, support, and professional help. If someone is in immediate danger, contact emergency services or the appropriate authorities.

A command man will often want to talk about his plans and ideas. He may not enjoy small talk that has no purpose. He needs focus and was built to lead.

Mr. Visionary

Mr. Visionary is the prophet, changer, and dreamer type. He often dislikes the status quo and may enjoy confrontation. He can have tunnel vision, focusing deeply on one issue at a time. Like a prophet, he may call people to task for their inconsistencies.

His downfall is that he can become idle in his doing or become a complainer. But deep down, he is a visionary.

Pearl states that “every Mr. Visionary needs a good, wise, prudent, stable wife, who has a positive outlook on life” (p. 81).

As the wife of a visionary, you need to be flexible and loyal, following him even when you—or society—do not fully understand or agree with his direction. Often, other people, including your parents, may not understand him. He needs his wife’s support, and without it, he may feel very alone.

You may need to be tough because he may not be naturally skilled at comforting you—or even comforting himself, for that matter. With that said, it is important to stay positive, guard against conversations that tear down other people, avoid jumping too deeply into his world, and allow him to burn out on unwise ideas without trying to put out his fire altogether.

If you are married to this type of man, your life may be far from boring, so enjoy the ride. Over time and through life experience, he may become more practical and accomplished in more than one area.

Mr. Steady

Finally, we have Mr. Steady.

God created many men who are steady, providing, faithful, and caring. Pearl states:

“The steady man does not make snap decisions or spend his last dime on a new idea, and he doesn’t try to tell other people what to do. He avoids controversy…he will selflessly fight the wars that Mr. Visionary starts and Mr. Command leads.” (p. 86)

He builds his life, remains faithful to his wife, and raises his family. He serves, provides, and protects. This type of man quietly goes about his business and expects very little from his wife.

As his wife, it is important not to become discontent with his slow and cautious nature. He is likely to make wise, well-thought-out decisions. He will often be in demand because other people need his help, so be thankful for his helpful nature.

Do not expect him to lead you or anyone else in the same way that a command man might. Pearl states, “Disappointment and unthankfulness can make you wearier than any amount of duties. The trials he seems to cause you are really your discontented responses to what you consider to be his shortcomings” (p. 87).

If you dishonour him, he will likely remain with you, but he may lose confidence and simply go about his business alone. As Mr. Steady’s wife, it is important to be self-sufficient, since you may not receive a great deal of direction from him. It is also important to be still, gentle, and patient, allowing God to move in your husband’s heart in His timing. Ask God to grow these traits in you.

Mr. Steady is a strong man of God. He may not be bold and boisterous. He may not be the one preaching at the front of the room. Appreciate his Jesus-like nature: one who served and taught us to lead through servitude. His strength is found in his gentleness and quiet willingness to take on responsibility that others may not. It may not be flashy, but it is peaceful, strong, and steady.

Learn Your Man

It is important to know what type of man your husband is so that you do not try to make him into something he is not.

If you do not know which type is dominant in him, slow down. Pray. Think. Watch. Learn your man so that you can support him well.

Pearl ends this chapter with a summary of how a wife can either harm or strengthen her marriage depending on the type of man she is married to.

She writes that the wife of Mr. Command can harm her marriage by failing to honour, obey, and reverence her husband’s authority and leadership. She can help strengthen her marriage by becoming his adoring queen and honouring his leadership.

The wife of Mr. Visionary can harm her marriage by failing to follow, believe in, and participate enthusiastically in her husband’s dreams and visions. She can help strengthen her marriage by laying aside her own competing dreams and aspirations and embracing her role as a helpmeet to her husband.

The wife of Mr. Steady can harm her marriage by failing to appreciate, wait on, and be thankful for her husband’s pleasant qualities. She can help strengthen her marriage by not trying to change him and by joyfully recognizing what a friend, lover, and companion she has been given. She can live out that gratitude verbally and actively.

Bring It to the Lord

Now, if you have made it to the end of this article and are thinking, “I do not know which type my husband is,” or if you are like me and can see many ways you have gone wrong as a wife, bring it all to the Lord.

Repent and ask Him for wisdom and healing in your marriage. Ask Him to help you support and know your husband better, so that you can see the glory of God in your husband and faithfully fulfill the duty and role God has given you as his helpmeet.

Article 10: Pulled Back, But Not Pushed Out: Surviving the Marriage Backswing

Last episode, we talked about three natural feminine qualities to strengthen and develop in your role as a wife. Today, I want to talk about something many wives experience but may struggle to name. I call it the backswing.

You may be tracking along, making really good progress in your marriage. You are trusting God’s design, thinking more positively about your husband, responding with greater patience, and noticing that he is responding with more love too. Things feel lighter. You are gaining momentum.

Then life happens.

A blunt comment lands the wrong way. A child gets sick, and you are exhausted and grumpy. Hormones are affecting your mood. Your husband is stressed because of work. Suddenly, a small moment turns into a bigger conflict, and it can feel as though your relationship has spiralled backward.

If that is you, I want you to know: I see that backswing, and I see you. I see this with other couples, too.

But a backswing does not mean all of your growth has disappeared. It does not mean your marriage is failing. It often means that stress, old habits, and spiritual opposition have reared their ugly heads.

Today, we are going to look at why these downturns happen, three tools that can help you move through them, and six things to remember when you are in the thick of it.

The Backswing Effect

The backswing effect is that discouraging moment when life happens and you and/or your husband are pulled backward into old habits and ways of thinking.

You may think, “We were doing so well. Why are we back here again?” Well, it may not be good, but God will use all things for good. So, what usually happens? An argument, a freeze-out, or just a general separating of your oneness.

Well, first, let’s burst the happy bubble right off the bat. The goal is not to argue less in marriage. The goal is to argue better—with more kindness, respect, self-control, and grace.

Arguments are not proof that your marriage is broken. In fact, they can be great grounds for development.

There are three major reasons arguments can become so difficult:

• We have deeply entrenched training about conflict.
• Our nervous systems can move us into fight, flight, or freeze.
• We may be aiming at the wrong target.

So, to address these, let’s look at three tools.

Tool One: Learn to Argue Better

The way you learned to handle conflict did not begin with your marriage. It was often shaped long before you met your husband.

You may have argued with your parents, watched your parents argue, or watched them avoid conflict altogether. You may have dealt with challenges in previous relationships or previously in your current relationship. You have also watched other couples around you, or even couples on television, growing up.

Now, you may have grown up in a home where people calmly talked through problems, apologized, and moved forward. If so, that gave you a helpful model.

But for others, the thought of parental conflict may bring painful memories.

Maybe conflict in your home felt loud, frightening, critical, unpredictable, and so on. Maybe one or both parents froze each other out. You could feel the coldness in the room, but you were not aware of where the winter draft was coming from. Perhaps you experienced unexpected anger as a parent released their marital frustration onto you.

Maybe you were placed in the middle. One parent may have spoken negatively about the other to you or encouraged you and your siblings to take sides.

The way your parents, other adults, and even television couples handled conflict became a form of programming. But through the Holy Spirit, God can help you learn new patterns. He can help you grow in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

Bring all those more-or-less painful memories to God. Jesus sees every wound. He has compassion for you. Healing can happen through God, through prayer, wise support, counselling, and trusted people who walk alongside you. No one knows you more intimately. He made you, and He desires to restore you.

So, let’s look at some common issues and behaviours in arguing to target, and what to replace them with.

The Gottman Institute’s research on couples identifies four especially destructive conflict patterns:

• Criticism: Attacking your spouse’s character instead of addressing a specific concern. For example, “You are so selfish,” instead of, “I felt hurt when I was left to handle that alone.”
• Contempt: Communicating disgust, superiority, insults, mockery, or disrespect.
• Defensiveness: Refusing responsibility, counterattacking, or turning yourself into the victim to avoid hearing your spouse’s concern.
• Stonewalling: Withdrawing, shutting down, or emotionally leaving the conversation to avoid conflict or communicate disapproval.

The good news is that there are healthier alternatives.

Instead of criticism, use a gentle start-up. Talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express a positive need. For example: “I felt overwhelmed when the dishes were left for me after dinner. Could we work together to clean up tonight?”

Instead of contempt, build a culture of appreciation. Regularly notice your husband’s good qualities and express gratitude for his effort, character, and positive actions.

Instead of defensiveness, take responsibility. You do not need to accept blame for everything, but you can acknowledge your part. You might say, “You are right—I did raise my voice. I am sorry. That was not helpful.”

Instead of stonewalling, practice self-soothing. Take a respectful break, calm your body, and return to the conversation when you can communicate with greater clarity and kindness.

Now, a break is not abandoning the issue. It is choosing not to let your nervous system take control of the conversation.

You can say something like: “I want to work through this with you, but I am too upset to do it well right now. I need some time to calm down and come back to this.” That is not avoidance. That is wisdom. Research shows that you need at least 20 to 30 minutes, and do not not come back to it.

Tool Two: Calm Your Nervous System

The second challenge is your nervous system itself, especially the sympathetic nervous system, which can move you into fight, flight, or freeze when it senses danger.

Sometimes an argument with your spouse is not only about the present moment. Your body may interpret a tone of voice, expression, silence, criticism, or conflict as a threat because it reminds your body of something painful from the past that your mind may be completely unaware of. It gets trapped, so to speak, because it is unprocessed.

Isn’t that just great?

But the nervous system is not bad. It wants to protect you.

All of this explains why a small disagreement can sometimes feel enormous. It is also why people can feel trapped in the same argument again and again. On the surface, it may look like an argument about dishes, money, parenting, intimacy, time, or communication. But beneath the surface may be years of unprocessed hurt, fear, rejection, shame, or unmet needs.

In counselling, when someone becomes emotional while talking about a conflict with their spouse, I may ask, “How old do you feel right now?”

Often, people say they feel younger than they actually are.

That can be a clue that an old wound has been activated. The current disagreement may be real, but it may also be touching something that needs additional focus and healing.

But God built us in a way that, regardless of what is unhealed, there is a desire within our systems to heal and shed emotional baggage. First, bring it to the Lord. Pray for Him to reveal and remove the emotional baggage that has become stuck in your heart, your mind, and your body. Trust that He will answer in His way and in His timing.

As He makes a way, here are some practical ways to calm your nervous system and make room for wise responses rather than automatic reactions:

• Slow things down in arguments. Pause before responding. Give yourself permission not to answer immediately.
• Take slow breaths, especially making your exhale longer than your inhale.
• Step away briefly if you need to, but make sure to communicate that you need a break and will come back.
• Pray, “Lord, help me”; think of a memorized Scripture; or pray the “Our Father.”
• Consider seeking counselling or talking to a trusted support person to process that which is unprocessed.

Tool Three: Aim at the Right Target

The third challenge is that you may have the wrong target in your scope.

When you are stressed, hurt, or exhausted, it can feel as though your husband is the enemy. You may feel ready to fire every thought, emotion, and accusation directly at him.

But he is not the enemy.

Ephesians 6:12 says:

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

Your husband is not your enemy. You and your husband are actually on the same team.

The enemy is subtle and cunning. He looks for places of stress, exhaustion, insecurity, bitterness, unforgiveness, pride, fear, and negative thinking. He loves to stir up division and watch two people tear down what God is trying to build.

That is why it is so important to remember that marriage is not only relational; it is also spiritual.

When you recognize that you are in a battle, you can respond differently to the negative thoughts, unpleasant behaviour, and discouragement that pop up.

Here are six things to remember when the backswing hits.

Remember That You Are in a Battle

You, your husband, your marriage, and your family are the prize on the battlefield. The enemy will not simply let you walk peacefully toward God’s camp without resistance. When conflict comes, remember we have the armour of God.

Keep Your Focus on God’s Camp

Pray fervently and consistently. God hears you the first time, but continued prayer helps direct your mind and heart back toward Him. Our minds can be easily persuaded, distracted, and pulled into fear. Prayer brings us back to truth.

There is a line in Frozen where Grand Pabbie says Anna is lucky she was hit in the head and not the heart because “the heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded.” I am not a big fan of Frozen, but I remembered that. Our thoughts are vulnerable to lies, fear, and discouragement. We need to keep bringing them back to God.

Expect Resistance Without Expecting Defeat

The enemy will try to attack you. Jesus—God Himself—was tempted in the wilderness. You may experience attacks in your thoughts, your emotions, or through the words and actions of others. This does not mean things are failing or that nothing will change.

Overcome Fear With Faith

Ephesians 6 speaks about taking up the shield of faith to extinguish the flaming arrows of the evil one. Have faith. You have God on your side, and He is far more powerful than evil. We can trust that God will provide us with what is needed in battle.

A helpful verse here is 1 Corinthians 10:13:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

Wear the Belt of Truth

Remember the truth about who you are: a beloved child of God—not what shame and fear tell you. And remember the truth about who your husband is—not just who he is in his most stressful or frustrating moments.

This is where your list of things you appreciate about your husband becomes helpful. When negative thoughts begin to pile up, return to what is true. Remind yourself of his character, his good qualities, and the strengths God has placed in him.

Use the Sword of the Spirit

The sword of the Spirit is the Word of God. Use Scripture to confront the lies that are fluttering around in your mind.

Jesus was tempted with hunger, power, pride, and the desire to demand proof from God. Each time, He responded with Scripture. He knew the truth well enough to use it as a response to the enemy’s lies.

If you do not know much Scripture yet, do not be afraid. Just start. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand, remember, and apply God’s Word. It is not merely about reading words on a page anymore, which may increase the desire. We also pray against anything that may be preventing you from taking in His Word.

Now, you know it is about knowing that God’s Word equips you to build a sword against the Enemy and his lies.

Pulled Back, But Not Pushed Out

The backswing effect can make you feel as though you are right back where you started. But you are not.

Every time you pause instead of react, choose kindness instead of contempt, take responsibility instead of becoming defensive, pray instead of spiralling, and remember that your husband is not the enemy, you are getting closer to God.

Growth in marriage is not a cakewalk. There will be hard days, misunderstandings, tired moments, and seasons when old patterns try to return. But a downturn does not erase what God has done, is doing, and will do in both of you.

Do not expect the attacks to be one and done. The enemy may keep trying, but you, with God, will keep strengthening your armour. Over time, you will become more steady.

Right now, you may not feel like James Bond—you know, walking intently, focused on your target, while explosions go off and bullets are fired around you. But God is developing us, strengthening us, and preparing us.

One day, the conflict that once pulled you into fear may become a moment where you recognize the attack, take a breath, pray, speak truth, and move toward your husband with greater love.

You are not alone in this battle. God is with you. Your marriage is worth fighting for, and with God’s help, you can learn to move through the backswings that rear their ugly heads.