Article 1: Introduction Fear, Faith, and Marriage Colliding: A Personal Journey Toward Trust
It was our wedding day. I stood at the altar, full of excitement and nerves, repeating my vows after the preacher. He said, “Where I go, you will follow,” and I repeated it. Then he said, “Where you go, I will follow.” Somehow, I repeated the same line again: “Where I go, you will follow.”
The entire church of our family and friends burst into laughter.
The preacher smiled and said to my husband, “You will have your hands full with this one.”
At the time, it was just a funny moment. Looking back now, it feels like a small glimpse into a much deeper journey that would unfold in our marriage.
When Growth Isn’t Enough
Fast forward ten years. I am sitting in my living room, overwhelmed and frustrated, caught once again in a cycle of fear and control.
This was not new territory for me. I had spent years investing in personal growth and development—reading, learning, and trying to become a better version of myself. And yet, there I was again, face-to-face with the same old struggle: fear.
In that moment, I cried out to God, “I need your help, or I may lose all these good things in my life.”
The Reality of Anxious Attachment
Throughout our marriage, I struggled with anxious attachment. Beneath the surface, I carried an ongoing, irrational fear that my husband would leave me for someone better.
I understood the concept. I had read the books, listened to the podcasts, and could intellectually explain exactly what was happening. But knowledge alone was not enough to set me free.
I found myself feeling intense anxiety while simultaneously knowing it did not make sense.
My husband, understandably, reached a breaking point. He told me, “If we don’t have trust, we don’t have much in this marriage.”
That moment hit hard. I felt defeated, isolated, and exhausted from battling what felt like an anxious voice I could not silence.
And the truth was difficult to admit: I did not trust him. In fact, I did not trust many men at all, aside from my dad and God. My past experiences had shaped that reality—both the ways I had been hurt by men and the ways I had hurt them too.
A Turning Point
Despite everything, my husband remained steady. He is not perfect, none of us are, but he is a good man. Strong enough to call me out when I needed it, yet kind and loving in the process.
That strength mattered. It created space for something to shift.
Back in my living room, in that moment of desperation, I did something I had not done in a long time: I truly prayed.
Not casually. But with honesty and surrender.
I realized I had slowly drifted. I believed in God, but I had not been actively walking with Him. I had not fully understood how much I needed Him in my daily life and especially in my marriage.
Choosing a Different Focus
The next day, I made a decision: I would become the best wife I could be.
That morning, my husband left to spend time with a close friend. He was still upset, and rightly so. I am deeply grateful for that friendship, because those conversations helped soften his heart.
When we spoke again, I told him plainly, “I want to be a better wife.”
It sounds simple…almost obvious, but it marked a shift in focus.
For years, I had been working on becoming a more “spiritual person.” Its not an accurate focus…which I will discuss in another post. I redirected that same energy toward understanding my role as a wife. Again not quite the right focus for me, but I will explain more as we go deeper!
I began searching, learning, and revisiting something I had overlooked: marriage as God’s design.
Through that lens, things started to change.
What Changed Over Time
I began applying what I was learning—not perfectly, but consistently. Over time, my perspective shifted. My reactions softened. My understanding deepened.
This was not an overnight transformation. My aim was far from great. It was a process filled with both progress and setbacks.
But slowly, trust began to grow where fear once dominated. Praise God.
Why I’m Sharing This
That turning point happened about six years ago.
Since then, I have learned a great deal through both successes and struggles in marriage, faith, and trust.
In this blog (and accompanying podcast), I will share:
- Lessons learned through real-life experience
- The challenges that tested our relationship
- Practical and spiritual insights that made a difference
If something inside you is quietly thinking, “Things could be better in my marriage,” this may resonate with you.
If you have ever thought, “I want to show up differently as a wife,” you are not alone.
And if you are simply trying to figure out what it means to do what is right, girl you may be in the right place!